Will you light my candle? No
by Cyllene
Summary: Rent meets Cats' gone horribly wrong. The cats have decided to do Rent for Old Deuteronomy, but it's not working out well... Rated T for sexual themes, incest, slashyness, bad lauguage, mild violence and off-key singing. One-shot. Enjoy!


**This is 'Rent meets Cats' gone horribly wrong. The Jellicle Ball is here, and the cats have decided to do Rent for Old Deuteronomy. But bad things are happening...**

**I wrote this fic as an early birthday present for Enspirit, and no doubt it will scar her for life!**

**This fic contains sexual themes, incest, slashyness, bad lauguage and mild violence. You have been warned.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Cats, Rent, or any of the characters and songs associated with them, unfortunately.**

***Note: The italic bits are the narrators' thoughts. You don't find out the identity of the narrator until the end, though. ^_^**

_

* * *

__The lights dim, a spotlight focuses on centre stage. Several cats step onto the stage, arguing. _

* * *

"But why do I have to be _Roger_?" I whined. "Why can't Tugger be Roger?"

_Munkustrap was never very good at casting roles for the yearly musical…_

"Because Munkustrap, the idiot, cast me as Angel." Tugger scowled.

_My point exactly. Who was stupid enough to make Munkustrap the director in the first place, anyways?_

"Well, you do make a good drag-queen..." pointed out Victoria.

_She does have a point…_

"What about me? Why do I have to be Joanne?" moaned Tantomile. "I don't want to have to make out with Demeter."

_See what I mean? Tantomile didn't even sign up for the musical! Everlasting Cat, I'm going to kill Munkustrap once this is over!_

"And I don't exactly want to be Maureen either." Complained Demeter.

"And why did you have to make Tumblebrutus Mimi? That's a girl's part!" I griped.

_Last year we forbade Tumblebrutus to take part in this year's musical, after he terrified the kittens in his role as Frank from Rocky Horror Picture Show. I guess they'd never seen a drag-queen before…So why is Tumblebrutus in this year's production? This is madness, I tell you! Madness!_

"I made Tumblebrutus Mimi, because Tumblebrutus has a major crush on Roger, so I thought he might enjoy it." Said Munkustrap.

_This is odd logic at its finest._

"But _I'm _playing Roger!" I yelped.

_This doesn't bode well…_

"Precisely!" grinned Tumblebrutus, sidling up beside me.

_Honestly, I think Rent was a bad choice for this year's musical production at the Jellicle ball. I wanted to do Sweeney Todd, but Munkustrap said no, the stupid git…_

"If you don't like the casting choices, too bad. Might I remind you, I gave you ample time to request changes." Sighed Munkustrap, annoyed.

_Ample time? He only gave us a week's notice! This is the last time I sign up to be in the junkyard's yearly musical production. I don't need this stress! Or Tumblebrutus hitting on me, for that matter…_

"But I don't know how to _be_ Roger!" I complained. "How am I supposed to do this?"

"Well, perhaps if any of you had bothered to show up for rehearsal, you'd know what you're supposed to be doing right now." Snapped Munkustrap, swatting me on the head with his clipboard.

_If only he had scheduled rehearsal for the daytime, instead of at four in the morning…it's no wonder nobody bothered showing up._

"Oh, come on, can't we discuss this?" I begged.

_This isn't going well. There go my dreams of making it to Broadway…_

"Might I remind you all that we are on stage right now? Technically, the production has started already." Responded Munkustrap. "So get your asses out there, and start acting!"

_Does it matter? We're only performing for Old Deuteronomy anyways, and he's deaf, so there's really no point. At least I don't have to worry about singing off-key..._

"Erm, isn't Mark supposed to do the first scene?" I asked.

_And he calls himself the director! Bah…_

"Hell, how should I know?" retorted Munkustrap.

"Because _you're_ playing Mark!" I yelled.

_And he can't even remember who he cast himself as! It's pathetic, really…_

"Oh, well, the first scene is boring anyways, so yeah." Said Munkustrap.

Suddenly, a whole bunch of cats, led by a half-drunk Tugger dressed as a drag-queen burst onto the stage singing,

"We're going to pay the rent! We like to pay the rent! We're going to pay this years rent, next years rent! We're going to pay rent all the timeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

_This has to be the most humiliating moment in my life._

"What the hell, guys! You've got the lyrics wrong!" Munkustrap and I both yelled.

_Maybe Munkustrap was right. Maybe we all should have turned up for rehearsal at four in the morning...this musical is a disaster! _

"So what?" giggled Tugger. "Old D's deaf. He won't notice the difference."

_Hmm…Tugger has a good point…_

"I'm bored! Let's skip to 'Out Tonight'!" yelled Skimbleshanks. "I wanna see Vicky shake her booty!"

_I knew I shouldn't have given Skimbleshanks that catnip...he's creepy when he's stoned..._

"But Tumblebrutus is playing Mimi!" shouted Mistoffelees.

"Oh, bloody hell, who cares? I want to see _somebody_ shake their booty..." said Skimbleshanks. The rest of the cats cheered. Tumblebrutus leapt onto the stage, dressed in a dominatrix-style leather mini-dress. Old Deuteronomy cat called from his seat on the sidelines. Tumblebrutus began to dance like a stripper, thrusting his groin at me. I shuddered, while the other cats cheered loudly.

_Why must I suffer through this travesty? Why? WHY?!_

"Take me ooooooooooooooooooooooooout tonight! I have to go ooooooooooooooooooooooooout tonight! You're sweet, wanna hit the street, wanna wail at the moon like a cat in heat!" He thrust his groin extra hard and hit me in the face with his tom parts. I shuddered again. "Take me ooooooooooooooooooooooooout tonight!"

_Man, that's off key. My ears hurt. _

Tumblebrutus finished his dance, and the music cut straight to 'Light my Candle', skipping several other scenes.

_Why, oh why! Why do they torture me like this? Why?!_

Tumblebrutus advanced on me, licking his lips and batting his eyelashes.

_This would be a good time to fake my own death, if it meant getting out of this terrible musical…_

"Please go away."

"Got a light?"

"Go away...you're scaring me."

"It's nothing, they turned off my heat. And I'm just a little weak on my feet." Tumblebrutus fell into my arms. I hastily dropped him.

_How many times do I have to tell him? I'm not his lover! _

"Would you light my candle?"

"No. Bugger off."

_I wish Tumblebrutus would stop hitting on me. It's kind of weird being best friends with Tumblebrutus…he really has boundary issues._

"What are you staring at?" pouted Tumblebrutus.

"Definitely not you. And definitely not your fur in the moonlight. You don't look familiar. Please go away."

_I'll just pretend he's not here. Go to your happy place. Happy place. Happy place... Ah, it's no use. The image Tumblebrutus in a leather dress is engraved into my mind. I'll have nightmares for weeks..._

"I haven't eaten much today..." began Tumblebrutus.

"Will you leave me alone already?!" I yelled.

_Yeesh...some people, honestly...no means no! This is sexual harassment! I should sue him…_

"Oh, now I lost my place." Moaned Tumblebrutus. "Where was I? Oh yeah, I remember!"

"At least the room's stopped spinning, anyways. What?"

"Nothing. You don't remind me of..."

"I _always _remind people of..." Tumblebrutus gave me a jealous glare. "WHO IS SHE?"

_Yeesh. You tell a guy you don't like him, and he instantly assumes that there's another woman. Talk about jealous…_

"Er...who? I'm single. Oh crap, don't get any ideas! I don't love you. Now get out!"

"Oh well, who cares. Will you light my candle?"

"No, I won't bloody well light your candle. Leave me alone!" I handed Tumblebrutus his stash. "You dropped this. Now, get out." Tugger suddenly pounced forward, and swallowed the entire thing, before running off, cackling like a maniac.

_Somebody has a few problems with addictions…I should have him admitted into a rehab clinic. It'd give us all a break._

"Er...okay. Cut to the part where Maureen and Joanne make out in "La Vie Boheme'." Shouted Munkustrap, over the noise group of Jellicles sitting on the stage, talking and paying no attention whatsoever to the musical.

_Evidently, Munkustrap is starting to have second thoughts about this whole musical thing…and good riddance._

"No way!" shouted Tantomile. "I'm not kissing Demeter!"

"I'll kiss you!" suggested Mistoffelees. Tantomile shrieked, backing away from Mistoffelees. Mistoffelees started to cry, and ran off. "Meanie!"

_Poor Mistoffelees. Everyone loves his magical powers, but he still can't get a date. Sucks to be him…_

"Fine, I'll do the damn scene. Just get Mistoffelees away from me." Sighed Tantomile.

"Hey mister, she's my sister." Said Demeter, keeping her distance from Tantomile.

"Incest! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" cried Mistoffelees from the other side of the junkyard.

_Nobody ever bothered to tell Mistoffelees about the birds and the bees. He just doesn't pick up on connotations, no matter how blatantly obvious they are._

"We're close, added Tantomile."

"Okay, cut to the last scene of the musical. I'm bored." Said Munkustrap.

"No! I'm so sick of this! Just end it NOW" I yelled.

_I'm also kind of scared of Tumblebrutus, who has latched onto me, and is purring loudly._

"I'm not bored!" said Tumblebrutus, grabbing my behind. I yelped and ran away from him.

"Fine." Snapped Munkustrap. "Mimi's dying, but then she doesn't die. The end." He looked at Old Deuteronomy expectantly, but no applause came. Old Deuteronomy had fallen asleep in his chair.

_No wonder! It's a surprise he's even alive after being forced to watch such a terrible travesty of Rent!_

"Well, that was a waste of time..." said Skimbleshanks.

"But I didn't even get to do a scene!" whined Tugger.

_Which is probably a good thing. Tugger looks creepy in that dress, not to mention he's drunk right now. What's with Munkustrap casting guys to play the girly parts, anyways? It's very strange…_

"Shut up!" most of the cats yelled at Tugger. "Nobody cares! You can't sing anyways!" Tugger began to cry and ran off to mope with Mistoffelees.

_Why did I ever agree to this stupid musical? There's half an hour of my life that I'll never get back…_

* * *

_The spotlight broadens to focus on everyone on stage. Pouncival storms off stage, followed closely by Tumblebrutus, who is checking out Pouncival's ass. The remaining cats on stage begin to play charades. Munkustrap tries to coax Tugger and Mistoffelees out of the pipe where they are hiding. Tugger and Mistoffelees throw large objects at Munkustrap until he retreats. The rest of the cats decide that beating on Munkustrap looks like fun. They begin to chase him, and mob mentality takes over. Munkustrap narrowly avoids a lynching for the terrible musical he produced. Old Deuteronomy figures out how to turn on his hearing aid, and suddenly breaks into a rendition of 'The Tango Maureen.' Nobody notices._


End file.
